Can my marriage recover from my sex addiction? ; Ask Philippa

The question I am a man in the mid -50’s, I live with my wife and children. Two years ago, I admitted an adventure, doing sexual text messages, seeing porn and having a look at women in public. I was not in front of my wife and it hurt me badly. Since then, I have been in therapy and some childhood problems have come to light around the secret, lying and feeling -me. But I take responsibility for my actions. We also gave couples advice and have spent two difficult years working -everything while raising the family.

In recent months, things have been better. Trust has been rebuilding, we have felt closer and The future felt hopeful. But last week I caught me looking at a woman on the street in a way that bothers her. At first I lied, then I admitted it later. He reopened all the old wounds and I am angry with myself to repeat the same harmful behaviors around dishonesty and discomfort.

Now he says he plans to leave -when children finish school in two years, unless I can show -I really changed. She says she does not mind what I do in that time because she is how she protects. I feel anxious That we will demolish more as it goes out.

Should you respect your need for distance and trust that change can change something for both of you? Or better we finish the relationship now, so I can do the work independently without doing -more harm?

Philippa’s response You say you feel anxious and unstable, I can understand it. You have worked hard to reconstruct confidence after making significant damage to your relationship. Both of you have invested a lot in trying to repair what was broken and in the same way that things were beginning to feel -you better broke the agreement again.

You know. You’ve said that. What you have now is the consequence of this. Not punishment, but the consequence. Your wife has taken a step back to protect. He said he does not mind what you do. It seems to be emotionally retiring in order to manage the pain. You say you are eager that this will lead to a distance and disconnection. This is possible. But this is not something you can control. Your job is not to manage your feelings now but focus on your own behavior. This includes facing what happens at the time it faces. This is where damage often land. You looked. Then you lied. This pattern is familiar to you. You say you’re angry with yourself and you want to change. This is the work in front.

He has exposed what he needs to feel -safe. Could help you to bring it to your word. Not in the sense of treating the two years as a probation, nor trying to convince -of anything, but to continue working on yourself without the hope of a guaranteed result. If you see the change, it could be. If not, maybe not. In any way, the changes you have to make are that they become the couple – and the person – who would rather be. Not only for her, but for yourself.

Also ask if it would be best to separate -you now so you can do this job alone. It seems difficult to live with an uncertain future. Your anxiety may press you to look for clarity, in one way or another. But clarity is not something that is due to it. You have hurt someone who trusted you and risked to rebuild something with you. Has moved away as a way to manage their own security. It is not easy, but it is understandable.

It may also be useful to seek support that goes beyond individual therapy. There are groups such as anonymous sex addicts that offer structured support for those who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, such as pornography and affairs. It can also help explore more of your own relationship with sex and privacy in therapy. This is not shame. It’s about understanding your patterns and making room for something different.

I recommend doing some research on how confidence is reconstructed after betrayal and how regular behaviors can be understood and changed. Outside the house home De Robert Weiss is written for men who want to reconstruct confidence after infidelity. If compulsive patterns around sex and secret are part of what you are addressing, Your brain in porn From Gary Wilson explores how certain behaviors are taken and what is needed to change them. Neither book replaces therapy, but both can help you make sense of what has happened and support.

Whether you both stay together or not, the genuine change will serve you. You are not helpless here. The relationship may or may not survive, but work on your integrity, your veracity and your conscience are yours.

Every week, Philippa Perry deals with a personal problem sent by a reader.
If you want Philippa tips, send your problem to askphilippa@observer.co.uk. Communications are subject to our terms and conditions