My sister gets into toxic fights with my mother. How can I help? ; Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I am a 40 -year -old man And worried about my family. From my sister (in her afternoon 30 years) was pregnant with her first child four years ago, there was no longer period of a week without her and my mother enter toxic fights.

A couple of days ago, After my sister had traveled (still again) to Named our mother’s names, she also ended up grabbing her for her throat.

My father, who died a year ago, had been involved in This enormous tension but their long -term health problems had “Protected him” from being the goal of their most serious outbursts.

Am Concerned about my sister’s well -being, as she is essentially loving, but she becomes a totally different and hated person when she is outraged (her relationship with her partner is more or less, less physical violence). He has gone to therapy, but I doubt what extent it has worked.

I am also worried about my mother, who must be at the same time canceled at the beginning paper in life (as a mother), While working As a 24 -hour babysitter on their grandchildren. And I am worried about me: I know it’s not “my problem”, but it is difficult for me to see my mother grabbed by the throat is something that could “put in perspective”.

I think I’ve tried the best of reasoning With my sister, but talking to her is like walking through a minefield, and she also attacked me.

I went to the psychotherapist accredited by Bacp Armele Philpotts, and we both asked the same initial question: was your sister this before or pregnant triggered something in her?

“Is this behavior that might have witnessed or demonstrated in other ways before the first pregnancy?” Asked Philpotts. “If not, you can benefit from some specialized perinatal mental health support, which is available through the NHS in the United Kingdom.” (We are not sure where you live.) If your sister was not so before, there could be a medical reason behind her behavior, even if she has been four years since she had her first child.

But, as Philpotts said, “Behavior is not clearly acceptable, the reason behind your mother is hurting your father (as you and, allegedly, your sister too) and you said that she provides children’s care for 24 hours and experiences something that would describe as child abuse (CPA).

“I am very sorry that he experiences it, which, as you wrote, verbally, emotionally and now physically abusive. If he lives in the United Kingdom, he may seek support through his GP and there is also an organization (Pegsupport.co.uk) that offers specifically support to people who experience this type of behavior of his child.

“This is an area that our government is currently examining, with an open consultation on ongoing CPA.”

Your mother could report it to the police: trying to strangle someone is a crime, but I appreciate that I may not want to do it when your daughter is worried. However, she can focus on her and your sister on the seriousness of the situation.

Philpotts suggested that you may want to make a note every time this behavior occurs, “so that everyone can become aware that there is a continuous pattern.”

He added: “You mentioned that your mother was a 24 -hour nanny.

She was also worried about children. “At some point, could your sister be” outraged “? They are currently witnessing their behavior towards their partner? If so, who will protect them?” Nothing on your letter meant concern for children, but this is a real field of concern, as the levels of abuse and physical violence you mentioned. Are you able to talk to your partner (allegedly your father?) And setting up the safe? I wonder if this is why your mother is a “24 -hour” nanny and so present, because she’s worried about her children?

This is a very worrying situation for all of you. Especially considering that it seems that there is no time when you feel able to talk to your sister and say -your worries or get their help. At times like this, I always advise to ensure that the safety of the most vulnerable is assisted in the first: here, your mother and children of your sister.

Each week Annalisa Barbieri deals with a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annalisa advice, send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that he cannot go into personal correspondence. Communications are subject to our terms and conditions.